The sleet was steadily increasing. Mist closed in around the edge of the lake and the cold nipped at my naked fingers. I pulled my scarf up to my nose and huddled my hands up into my sleeves. At the edge of the lake my own pallid skin reflected off the frozen water, my hair a dark and ebony chaos reflected my swollen insides. My eyes, once so full of teal, saucy life now held nothing. It should matter; but not to me.
The crunching of the snow beneath my boots was the only sound that accompanied the yawp of the crows and the bustling of the aspens. The water had long stopped running when the frost had come just days ago.
I was well and truly alone ; It was better that way.
A year ago I died; not physically but mentally. All my mirrors had shattered and in their place was the image of brutal reality. Like the still water beneath the ice, I was trapped and unable to run. No amount of pushing or coaxing had brought me back to the surface and pills did nothing to warm me.
In my mind the image of their broken corpses lay spread before me. I see myself shattered and curled into the farthest corner. My skull throbs as it did then, my rips ache and my breath hitches in my throat. I was meant to be back there, back in that ungodly room upon the soiled concrete and cowering in the pitch darkness. But I ran.
"Tuhota"
That word was etched into my brain, it rang in my ears in the deafening silence; cutting through me like a knife. To be alive when my friends were all dead. To be there with their bodies, hearing their last breaths and their sobs in the shadow of twilight. I should be with them under three feet of soil with roses upon my head. My body should be reduced to maggot meat, my eyes disintegrated and the skin separated from the bone. But I stood by the lake fully alive; physically, not mentally.
There was as much reason for me to live as there was to die. .There was nothing tying me here anymore and I felt going back to where it all happened, finding out the mystery behind this, a mystery which had been closed for four months, was my own option. The pros did not out weigh the cons ,my own tie to the past, pulling me back, tipped the scale in cons favor; if anything the cons had become my heroes.
The crunching of the snow beneath my boots was the only sound that accompanied the yawp of the crows and the bustling of the aspens. The water had long stopped running when the frost had come just days ago.
I was well and truly alone ; It was better that way.
A year ago I died; not physically but mentally. All my mirrors had shattered and in their place was the image of brutal reality. Like the still water beneath the ice, I was trapped and unable to run. No amount of pushing or coaxing had brought me back to the surface and pills did nothing to warm me.
In my mind the image of their broken corpses lay spread before me. I see myself shattered and curled into the farthest corner. My skull throbs as it did then, my rips ache and my breath hitches in my throat. I was meant to be back there, back in that ungodly room upon the soiled concrete and cowering in the pitch darkness. But I ran.
"Tuhota"
That word was etched into my brain, it rang in my ears in the deafening silence; cutting through me like a knife. To be alive when my friends were all dead. To be there with their bodies, hearing their last breaths and their sobs in the shadow of twilight. I should be with them under three feet of soil with roses upon my head. My body should be reduced to maggot meat, my eyes disintegrated and the skin separated from the bone. But I stood by the lake fully alive; physically, not mentally.
There was as much reason for me to live as there was to die. .There was nothing tying me here anymore and I felt going back to where it all happened, finding out the mystery behind this, a mystery which had been closed for four months, was my own option. The pros did not out weigh the cons ,my own tie to the past, pulling me back, tipped the scale in cons favor; if anything the cons had become my heroes.
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